Journey with the Big C Chapter 4 - 1st Treatment

 Life calls the tune, we dance.

John Galsworthy 

    How true. Dancing to the tune of life. And I'm a terrible dancer...😅

When I went for my next appointment, I was told that the doctor would do a lumpectomy. Which meant that the doctor would take the tumor and its surrounding tissue out. Since it was small enough, the doctor would do the procedure in a daycare operation room using a local anaesthetic and I can go home directly afterwards. It seemed a simple enough procedure, right? Minimal pain and I didn't have to stay in the hospital.

D-day. 

You know Murphys Law? It happened to me. The doctor said the lump was small, right? Nope, it was bigger and deeper than they initially thought. And the local anaesthetic would numb the area? Nope, I could feel every cut, every laser burn. Halfway through the procedure I was literally begging the doctor to put me to sleep, the pain was so unbearable. Towards the end, I was shaking uncontrollably that the doctor and the nurse had to restrain me. I think I developed PTSD after that and I am deathly afraid of going back to daycare. 

Was the pain worth it? Nope. They didn't get all the tumor out. No clear margin, the report said. It felt like a death sentence.

Peace.

Journey with the Big C Chapter 3 - Research

 

Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.

Carl Jung

It's been ages since my last post...literally. I've been......distracted. For years, apparently. 🙄 On with the journey (show).

One thing that I am aware of these days is how forgetful I am getting. It wasn't bad a few years before, but it has been getting worse especially after my last operation. Being cooped up for days isn't helping much either.

So, anyway, after the biopsy, I went home. I felt scared, but I started researching. What do I do if the results came back positive for cancer. I came across a lot of things on many, many websites. From people advocating healthy living, refraining from eating certain kinds of food, taking all kinds of supplements, drinking pureed grapes to sticking to diets consisting wholly of fruits or vegetables, or both. And that was just on food alone.

 

But what I really want to know is how do people get cancer? What causes cancer? Can cancer be avoided? Do people die from cancer? If I do certain things differently, maybe I don't get cancer? 

One info that I came across suggested that cancer cells is present in everybody. It is up to our body to fight it. If our immune system is strong, then it can fight off the cancer cells. Another suggested that cancer (especially breast cancer) is linked to tooth and gum disease. If you don't take care of your teeth, chances are while your body is busy fighting off the infection in your mouth, it doesn't have enough reserves to fight off the cancer cells. I don't know if this is true or not. These theories seemed too fantastic to be true. I am sure of two things, though. I have no idea how I got cancer and I am still alive.

Throughout my research I read a lot of testimonies from cancer patients, survivors and newly diagnosed. These testimonies gave me hope and the strength to fight. I could talk to my sisters and friends about cancer, but they couldn't help much. I needed to talk to someone who knew what I was going through. Back then, there wasn't a lot of support groups for cancer patients. So what I did while I was waiting for the doctor was observe other patients. I remembered a woman waving goodbye as she was led happily away by her husband. The doctor had discharged her that day. Her cancer was in remission. I kept that image in my mind. It helped to keep me moving forward. I had a target and I was going to do my best to achieve it.

Easier said than done. Peace. 😷

Journey with the Big c - Chapter 2 - Off to the doctor...

The world is but a canvas to the imagination.

Henry David Thoreau

Myth - when you get cancer you will die. Truth - people do live after being diagnosed with cancer, some even lived for years and years. Some people went into remission and eventually cured. Truth - we will die even if we do not get cancer.

I went to a doctor who referred me to a specialist. The doctor poked and prodded, did a biopsy (very painful!) but generally they suspected that it was cancer all along. This was what I remembered. (My memory is really bad these days, I might not remember things correctly). 

If the lump was smooth with a definite edge, it might be a cyst. Mine was not. If the lump moved, it might be a cyst. Mine did not. If it was painful, it might be a cyst. Mine wasn't. And the icing on the cake was...if the doctor extracted fluid other than blood during the biopsy, it might be a cyst. The doctor extracted blood from mine. My heart sank. 

I went home. I was scared, dejected and I felt trapped. I couldn't run. There was nowhere to run. I remembered dreaming of my mother. She looked scared and sad in my dream. That was when I had a premonition, I would not get any good news from the doctor. I made a decision there and then. I will not cry and I will fight.

And one bad decision - to find an alternative treatment. 

Until next time...end of chapter 2. Peace out.

Journey with the Big C - Chapter 1

The pure and simple truth is rarely pure and never simple.

Oscar Wilde

This post is especially hard to write. Mainly because I have to retrace my steps...and my memory is not what it's used to be. But this story needed to be told. Maybe then I will learn to let go.

My journey with the big C started in 2012. It started when I felt a lump on my left breast. It was small, but I remembered my heart skipped a beat and a lump forming in my throat. Could it be? What did I do wrong? What didn't I do? All the whats and the whys circling round and round...

I remembered panicking because I didn't know who to turn to. I didn't know what to do. But strangely enough, throughout this journey, I never shed a single tear. The whole thing felt surreal, like it's happening to someone else, not to me. I felt like I was standing on the outside looking in.

I did what I do best. Research. I've always been a voracious reader. I began reading, anything and everything I could get. I wanted to know more. I wanted to know why.

End of Chapter 1.

Peace...😊

Epilogue

I'm in the best place I can be right here at this moment.

A lot has happened within the past two years (!), I need time to sort everything out. If I put my mind to it, the things that has happened these past two years can be compiled into a book. The best thing to do is to backtrack, maybe reflect a little and move on. Maybe this will help me to move forward, because I am stuck.

Like my blog, my life rambles on. There is only one thing I am certain of - In a world where nothing is certain, and everything depends on variables that varies constantly, I am at the best place I can be right here at this moment.

Peace out....l