Idle Thoughts

Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.

Leo Tolstoy

Prolific writer I am not. Too lazy? Maybe. Procrastinator? Definitely. Excuses? Most certainly. The thing is, I have a lot on my plate, even during these lull moments. I cannot stand being idle, though idle is what I have to go through for the next three weeks. Ouch!

Leo's right. As the late MJ said,"I'm starting with the man in the mirror." Sometimes the hardest thing to do is looking into my own eyes in the mirror. I started thinking of the the things I've done, I remembered some of my accomplishments, but mostly I reflected on my failures. What I should have done differently, my regret that it had happened the way it did. One thing in particular stood out among the rest....but that is for me to know and for the rest of the world to never be enlightened.

A friend told me to view it this way....reflect on it, accept it and move on. God in all His wisdom has said that everything happens for a reason. Everything happens as is should. There is a reason that everything happened as it did. I know it, I take measure in it...but when it did, it broke my heart. All in all, even in the worst of circumstances there is a lesson to be learned. I learned mine, but the cost is more than I can bear.

I changed after that. Not immediately after, mind. But some time after that. Which is a good thing. I don't think I could survive if I didn't. The "me" that is standing now can say I have been there, done that. I'm still a long way off from changing the world, but perhaps the "new" me can change it one person at a time.

I only hope I have made a difference.

Rambles On.....

Sticks and stones may break your bones when there's anger to inpart. Spiteful words can hurt your feelings but silence breaks your heart.

Unknown

How true.

Boy, am I depressed. You see, I just received my paycheck and the money's gone within minutes. Dispersed, disbursed, in somebody else's hands, in everybody's hands except mine. Oh, the joy of internet banking!

I get depressed at around this time every month. When I have to fulfill my financial obligations. Just for once I would like to see my bank account getting fatter with the money I work so hard to get. No such luck. The way I see it, it's both a blessing and a curse. Although I am left almost penniless at the end of the day, I also learn the value of money and hard work. My parents taught me the value of money earlier on, but this time around, the lesson struck home.

Nothing like watching your money flow out of your hands to remind you how precious this particular commodity is and how hard you have to work to earn it. I envy those people who aren't troubled by money worries, but I suppose they work twice as hard compared to myself. I just have to work harder, that's all.

I only wish I could talk to my mum. I miss her a lot.

Obituary

No man/woman is worth your tears and the one that is won't make you cry.

Jennifer Ross

I've been rereading my old postings and I realised that I catch up on news quite a bit lately. Maybe it's because my postings are getting few and far between. The thing is, I've been awfully busy lately. Ever since the year starts, I've been working non-stop, it seems. Even on weekends.

Okay, today's posting is not about me, but my aunt. She passed away on the 15th of last month. What can I say about her? To other people, she was a leader, someone they looked up to. She was full of life, always cheerful, always ready to help, never once refused help to anybody who needed it. She's generous beyond fault, to the extent of giving away presents on her birthday. She had her faults, for sure. She's a real dragon, if she could breathe fire, I think she would have. She had a quick temper that flared up at the slightest comment. Her look could freeze you on your tracks. Her students stood in awe and terror at the sight of her. And they loved her.

To me, she's my aunt. My mother's youngest sister, who had done so much for our family. She herself had never married, but she surrounded herself with nieces and nephews that she supported throughout the years. She was our surrogate mom when my mom passed away. I still can't believe she's gone. Sometimes I forgot and pretended she's off somewhere on one of her trips and will come back soon. And then I remembered.

I cried a little bit at her funeral, most probably because other people were crying. But I think I was in denial. The fact has not sunk in, even to this day. I could rationalise it...maybe this...probably that...but the thing is, I haven't accepted the fact that I am now bereft of aunts and uncles on my mother's side. She was the last of my mother's siblings.

It's our turn next.

Until next time...

Catching Up on News

It is not the brains that matter most, but that which guides them—the character, the heart, generous qualities, progressive ideas.

Fyodor Dostoyevsky (1821 - 1881) Russian novelist

It's December already! New Year is looming, so's middle age! Eek!

I chose today's quote and picture without thinking, I don't know why. Normally I'd think before choosing, too carefully at times. This time, ah what the heck, let's just go with gut instinct.

I have plenty to say, yet I can say nothing. So many things happened this past month, so many events, occassions, I can hardly keep up. I have people around me, yet in a way, I'm more alone than ever. It's just me, I guess.

Okay, news. I started a new job, more pay, less work. Stress level is roughly about the same. I got a brand new nephew, cute as a button. Can't wait to see him again. My sister graduated with a Master's Degree and won second place at the Balmoral Competition for her dissertation. (Yaay! Congrats Sis!) My housemate moved back home and I gained a new housemate. Trashed my car (again!). The poor thing is suffering, somewhat badly this time around.

What else...hmm. Downloaded a LOT of games, played ALL of them! I can hardly believe it myself. (Am I an addict? I hope not) Saw my nephews and nieces during the holidays. Ate a LOT of food. Diet gone to hell. Took a looong break from work, went home, got back more depressed than ever. Watched old movies over and over and over. Drank gallons of coffee. Missed my family and my old friends.

I think old age is catching up.

Dementia

You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when. You can only decide how you're going to live. Now.

Joan Baez

Let's see. My last posting was in August. I thought I posted in September. Apparently not. Sign of old age? Probably.

I read in the news today that every few minutes a person is diagnosed with dementia. It's caused by changes in the brain function. One of the most common symptoms is memory loss (the inability to remember recently learned facts and acquiring new information). I sometimes have that problem, but I think it's mainly due to my lack of attention to details. I usually have a problem with names of people (although that is corrected by regular use of that particular person's name), but my biggest problem is with dates. I always have a problem remembering what today's date is. I don't have a problem with the day of the week, but it's the date of that gets me. My kids would remind me (with a patient smile) and think it's all so funny. I don't think so. It's kind of embarassing, really.

My grandma suffered from dementia, so's my eldest aunt. My mom showed signs of dementia whenever her glucose level dropped. Usually after a dialysis. Or when her urea level rose before dialysis. Does dementia runs in the family? I have absolutely no idea. I hope not.

In order to prevent dementia, we should live an active life, both physically and mentally. Studies suggested that a Mediterranean diet or a supplement of beta carotene could ward off dementia. The main thing is eat right, exercise and study new things. Keep body and mind active. The Moslems believed that reading the Quran can also prevent dementia. This means that sitting and watching the idiot box all day is not a good idea. Ah well, all good things must come to an end, eventually.

Until next time.